The Holy Grail of Dealing With Cystitis

Picture the scene: I’m about 7 or 8 years old, whimpering my way to the school office because yet again I can’t pee and yet again I feel like I’m about to burst, and as I reach the window hatch and catch the receptionist’s attention, I manage to mumur: “my minny hurts, I’m constipated.” Cue a confused expression and prolonged gaze from the receptionist, before she beckoned me through to the glorious reception waiting room whilst she phoned my Mum. Of course, what I meant by constipation, I would later learn was cystitis.

Here’s the scientific bit: cystitis is a urinary tract infection (often referred to as a UTI). As defined by, urinary tract infections are “common infections that can affect the bladder, the kidneys and the tubes connected to them”, most frequently the urethra, which is the tube that frees the pee from your body. Women suffer more frequently with UTIs because their urethra is shorter and closer to their butt, which means it’s easier for bacteria to get right on in there and settle into an infection. Common symptoms of a UTI are: the unbearable urge to pee but not actually passing any urine; a burning, stinging pain when urine does pass which can often feel like shards of glass being pushed out; cloudy, strongly-coloured pee which may contain blood and general, all-round shittiness because every ounce of you is aware of the pain downstairs.

Cystitis has plagued my life since primary school. I’ve had doctors conducting internal exams on my 7 year old vageen, an ultrasound, blood tests and innumerable doctor’s appointments, so at this point, it’s fair to say I’m well versed in dealing with cystitis once it strikes. Unfortunately there isn’t much in the medical department that can be done to prevent frequent cystitis, but there are some measures you can take to lessen the risk. As a self-proclaimed cystitis representative, I’m here today to run you through the dos and don’ts of caring for your UTI-prone vagina, and more importantly, tips for dealing with cystitis once you already have it.

FYI – This post has been illustrated by the babe that is Lauren Johnstone. Shop her fabulousness here.


Cranberry Juice & Cranberry Capsules

CRANBERRY JUICE DOES NOT GET RID OF THE INFECTION ONCE IT IS ALREADY THERE. Phew, okay, just had to get that off my chest. If cystitis regularly comes to visit in urethra-town, you’ll be accustomed to hearing the same ill-informed advice time and time again, and often that comes in the form of “oh, you should drink some cranberry juice, I’ve heard that helps.” Once you have cystitis, there is shit all that cranberry juice can do to shift it, and whilst cranberry capsules and the juice itself have historically been linked to helping prevent the onset of UTIs, there’s very little solid evidence that proves it’s any good for that either. From my own experience, cranberry juice is pretty much useless and is just a dose of unwanted sugar in a time where water would work wonders.

Uncleanliness is the cause

You could have the cleanest vagina in the world and still catch a UTI. Cystitis has nothing to do with how clean you are – rather, it seems, it’s more to do with your genetics (does your Momma get it?), how much you’re shagging (honeymoon cystitis is a legit thing) and just how short and close to your butt your urethra is. A lot of girls can go on a shagathon and never feel a twinge, whereas I can have one afternoon roll-around and suffer for three days straight. Lucky, eh?




Empty your bladder before and after sex

This is the absolute classic of all cystitis prevention tips. If you really want to do your best to avoid a bout of the old familiar, then make sure you are peeing before and after sex. Admittedly, this does disrupt the moment somewhat – there’s nothing like being caught up in a steamy snog and having to interrupt to say, “ooh, wait, let me just pop to the toilet”. If you’re rolling around with the boyfriend then he’d be a dick to not understand, but if you’re hooking up with someone new and wanting to retain an air of mystery, just ask if you can go and “freshen up”, then run the tap whilst you pee to your heart’s delight. Swill a bit of mouth wash round and he’ll just think you’ve been brushing your teeth instead of desperately evading a UTI. After sex, U. GOT. TO. PEE. Girl, you ain’t sleeping, u peeing, and if you can have a shower, even better. It’s crucial to flush out any bacteria that could be potentially setting up shop, and the only way to do this properly is to urinate (sorry, a swipe with a baby wipe won’t cut it!).

Have your partner wash downstairs before you get down to it

UTIs are caused by bacteria hanging around where they shouldn’t be, so it makes sense to ask your partner to have a quick wash downstairs to make sure everything is as clean as possible. This doesn’t have to be a 25 minute full-body scrub – honestly, just a dick-dip in the sink will do.


And by double dip, I mean go anywhere near the butt area and then return to the vagina if you want any hope of a happy, cystitis-free life. Many cases of cystitis are actually caused by bacteria from the butt, so as a side-note, another tip is to always wipe front-to-back (if you’re a contortionist and you can bend your arm that way, that is – I literally never do this but it is good advice). Nonetheless, you don’t want any of the nasties from back there finding their way into your urethra or bladder, so if you’re considering some action in the butt area, save this for last.

Stock up on pH balancing feminine washes

Make sure you avoid using anything heavily perfumed downstairs and opt for pH balancing feminine care instead. FemFresh is my personal favourite brand, and they have lots of different options available, from cranberry-infused washes (pointless but I appreciate the nod to us cystitis sufferers), to shaving gels and even rescue creams that are all safe to use on your vageen. I keep my bathroom stocked up with these washes and use them every time I shower, but it might be worth just grabbing a bottle if you feel like you’re due a cystitis session or you’re in for a shagathon anytime soon. They cost about £2-£3 quid and they last quite a while, so they’re well worth picking up.


So the likelihood is that you’ve come to this article already suffering with cystitis, and you’re sitting on the toilet or curled up in bed, wondering what in holy hell you can do to save yourself from this misery.

The truth is – and don’t hate me for it – unless you have antibiotics on your person right now, there’s pretty much fuck all at your disposal. The cranberry sachets help to ease the pain so don’t overlook these by any means, and drink as much water as you can possibly stomach (avoid caffeine and alcohol at all costs), but unfortunately it’s more of a waiting game.

It’s shit, I know, but entertain yourself with distractions (hey, this blog has some pretty fancy content…) and book yourself in at the doctors ASAP. Make sure to ask for a 7 day course of antibiotics – you only need three, but getting 7 will mean you always have some for emergency flare ups and you don’t have to pay a prescription fee twice.

Now, if you’re suffering, here are some things to distract you:

  • – Download an old school game and go to town. The Sims 4 and Rollercoaster Tycoon are relatively cheap, or you can go for Theme Hospital ( which is only a fiver! And yes, you can play all of them on Macs too. Apps for your phone are also handy great because the games are easy to play and quick to get into – no waiting around for a long installation. Go crazy.
  • – Paint your nails. Who has the time to do this normally? If you’re sitting on the toilet, you might as well make use of your free hands. Plus it’s so fucking boring that you might find it lulls you that one step closer to sleep.
  • – Watch something short and lighthearted. 5 minutes feels like forever when you’re suffering with cystitis, so for me, trying to get stuck into to an hour long, slow burning drama on Netflix is a no-go. Instead, I’ll pop on something like Bobs Burgers, Rick and Morty or South Park, all of which are super short episodes and all funny as fuck. Dealing with your distraction in 20 minute chunks will make the whole ordeal feels like less of a lifetime stretch in prison.
  • – Indulge in some retail therapy from the comfort of your bed – or, er, your toilet. Most things I try to do whilst I’m suffering with cystitis feel pointless, boring and annoying. No I don’t want to read a fucking book and no I don’t want to “try and sleep” because trust me, I’d be doing that already. One thing that never gets boring, however, is shopping. Whilst retail therapy can’t soothe your symptoms, it’s certainly something that you can get stuck into and distract yourself.
  • – Have a bath or a shower. There’s much debate surrounding the bath v. shower benefits when you’re suffering with cystitis. No matter the arguments, I prefer a bath and always have. Avoid any perfumey bubble baths/oils and stick to good old water. The temperature helps to soothe the pain and laying down helps me to relax. Regardless of which one you choose, the truth is that if you can manage to squeeze out a little bit of wee, you can go in both. 

  • This whole post just made me squirm and hold a really long kegel. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this since such a young age! Thank you for sharing.


  • Loved this post, Cho! I've only ever had one UTI before and it was hell so I can't even imagine what it must have been like for primary school you! Thank you for these tips, some of which I was breaking without even realising!

    Ellie x

  • I so had honeymoon cystitis when I was first with my boyfriend and I didn't know what it was for SO LONG. I was terrified I'd caught an STI and the pain of needing to wee every two minutes was horrific. I wish there'd nbeen a post like this around for me then! I really hope this helps some first time sufferers

    Steph –

  • This was a great post. I've had it once recently and it was hell. Talking about it in this funny yet open way is fabulous, it's exactly what we need more of.

  • Have you tried d-manosse powder for it? I used to get plagued with it too and that was the only thing that finally rid me of it permanently. Haven't had it in years now xxx

  • Thank you so much for this! I've had them on and off since I was about 16, and i'm now 23. They SUCK. Talking about it like this is so good!

  • YES. I am such a cystitis regular and it is naasty. The last time I had it, it spread up into my kidneys and caused ALL sorts of havoc so getting antibiotics asap is the way forward. and a nice juicy hot water bottle too! Ooft makes me feel werid just thinking about it! Amazing tips, thank you gal. Immy x

  • Also, completely forgot to mention – Lauren's illustrations are amazing! X

  • Such a great post! I've suffered from regular UTIs since I was 11-ish, and i'm nearly 30 now! They are the worst, but over the years i've figured out a few things that help me.

    First is obvious but vital – no caffeine! I don't drink tea or coffee but if i have a few days of drinking loads of diet coke etc, then i am guaranteed a day in the bathroom. Caffeine is a diuretic, so it'll make you need to pee more – awful for your urinary system!

    Second thing i've learned is that if i can feel it coming on, the best thing i can do is chug a pint of water (chug, not sip, somehow it seems to go through me faster) and then go for a walk/do something physical. The WORST thing to do when you think cystitis is coming is to go to the loo. Avoid it at all costs! Wait at least an hour, let that water go through you and then hopefully it will help flush out the infection.

    Lastly – sugar. I am a total sugar addict, but i definitely notice a connection between when I've pigged out on, say, easter eggs, and when i've been eating more healthily. Saying that, when i have a UTI I dive headfirst into whatever makes me feel better!

    Hope this helps someone 🙂 x

  • Loved this post, the illustrations are so cute! I've had Cysistis a few times throughout my life, usually at the most inconvenient times like at festivals (lucky me)


  • Lynn

    Great post, but actually there is evidence that those short three day courses actually create resistance and are likely to lead to a chronic bladder problems. The UK seems to be one of the few countries where three days courses are the standard; in most other countries a seven day course is prescribed. This article goes into detail about why short courses are harmful: Also, check out

    • Chloe Plumstead

      Hi Lynn. Thanks for commenting and including those links. Unfortunately in the UK, there are only the aforementioned antibiotics available and in the situation that I have needed antibiotics to shift the infection, I’m in so much pain that I’m unlikely to question Doctor’s orders or what has worked for me previously. Natural cures aren’t going to help me when I’m struggling!

      • Lynn

        Hi Chloe. In this article you mention that the doctor can give you a seven day supply though. That’s what I meant. D-mannose didn’t work for me either, but I linked the sweet cures article because it explains why short courses lead to further problems. The second link goes into more detail about the cause of chronic UTIs and the specialists out there who can work with you to prevent your acute UTIs turning into a daily problem. I currently have one now that the first antibiotic didn’t work on, so I literally feel your pain.

        • Chloe Plumstead

          Hi Lynn. Yes, a doctor can give you extra antibiotics but those aren’t intended to be taken all at once (“Make sure to ask for a 7 day course of antibiotics – you only need three, but getting 7 will mean you always have some for emergency flare ups and you don’t have to pay a prescription fee twice”) and the point I made was to ask for more so that you don’t need to wait for an appointment should cystitis flare up again. This is all from my own experience, of course. Hope you start to feel better soon x


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