O cum all ye faithful and hear my call: out of every gift guide around, this is the greatest of them all. (Probably not, but it will definitely be more interesting than something pink and colour-coded ‘for her’ featuring a collection of tiny body lotions that literally nobody wants.)
Vibrators are the gifts that keep giving - literally. Not only do they deliver you to delicious orgasm in a wave of ‘hooooooly fuck’, they also teach you how to feel more relaxed when being intimate.
A lot of us still find our own naked body uncomfortable; we don’t want to explore because we feel ashamed, whether of the way we look or of our sexuality in itself. But a happy and healthy sex life (if you want one - hey to my asexual honeys, I see you) is beneficial to your mental health, having been linked to supporting assertiveness, creativity, emotional intuition, the ability to bond and build relationships with others and that blissful meditative state which comes post-orgasm. We spend a lot of time outside of ourselves, casting our eye back over the past or looking forward and planning for the future, so masturbation offers a rare opportunity to centre yourself - to really be inside yourself (I’ll apologise in advance because this word-play won’t end).
So whether you’re new to vibrators or somewhat of a seasoned pro, here’s a little gift guide to get you going. These aren’t the kind of toys you can tear open on Christmas morning and demonstrate to your parents, so a word to the wise: let your giftee know (if said giftee is not you, which if it isn't it should be) that their present isn’t PG. It could save on some awkward dinner table tension with their fam later on.
Oh, and let's just say I did the market research and only the individuals worth their salt (or their batteries) made it into the list.
P.P.S. A lot of people have their first orgasm with a sex toy of some kind (me included!) so if you're totally new to vibrators, don't be scared. They can sometimes look a bit like 'what in holy hell is that' but there's nothing shameful or daunting about knowing and exploring your body. Embrace your sexuality and she shall embrace you (again, and again, and again...).
Introducing: The Fireman by Smile Makers (affiliate link)
The details: Made of cryogenically polished silicone (not sure what that means but it sounds very sci-fi), The Fireman is 14cm x 3cm and uses 1 x AAA battery (not included - annoying) for 4 hours of vibration. There are 4 speeds and 2 pulsation modes.
Who is it best suited to? New to sex toys or yet to add a vibrator to your collection? This is a great place to start. It’s small, easy to direct around wherever it feels best and focuses on clitoral stimulation which is going to be the quickest and easiest route to orgasm for most. You can use the tip to concentrate the vibrations on your clit or you can lay the flame-shaped head flat to get the labia involved too, with the little ‘nub’ continuing to attend to the up above. Personally I find the laying flat a little redundant because I prefer the intensity of just the tip (lol - I’m writing about vibrators and “just the tip” still made me laugh), but it’s totally down to personal preference and it’s useful to have multiple options in one toy.
Cons: It’s not super powerful which will probably be a plus for newbies or those who are slightly sensitive. Using batteries is really annoying too, particularly because the only person I know who stocks them is my Grandad and I don’t really want to have to explain what they’re for.
The Long Soak
Introducing: ‘The Aqua One’ Rampant Rabbit by Ann Summers
The details: Made of silicone, The Aqua One has an insertable length of 4.25” inches with a 1.25” girth. It is fully waterproof and requires 3 X AAA batteries (not included - again, annoying). Features 3 speeds and 2 pulsation modes.
Best suited to: Those who want to upgrade their wank-game and introduce some internal stimulation. To begin with I found this TERRIFYING; I actively found it difficult to orgasm with something inside me so it seemed counterintuitive to buy a vibrator with actual insertable length. But fear not: internal vibrators are not as intrusive as they sound which is why for years, Rampant Rabbits have been total hero items. The Aqua One features a slim shaft and girth so it’s perfect for beginners who don’t want to flop a 12” monster dildo in, plus it’s totally waterproof which means you can submerge it in the bath for the most relaxed, drawn out sesh ever. I call this one The Long Soak because it’s perfect for exactly that: lighting a few candles, drawing a bath, and orgasming yourself silly.
Cons: Requires 3 x AAA batteries which is annoying, and according to the website blurb, using rechargeable ones or batteries of differing brands could affect the power of the product. This screams wasteful to me. Also whilst you’re able to control how deep the length goes, you need to position yourself in a way that the bunny ears can still tickle your clit otherwise the experience won’t be as enjoyable. The length itself doesn’t vibrate so you need the two elements to work in tandem really for best results. It is totally waterproof, but as we know water is not a good lubricant so if you’re anxious, sensitive or a newbie, you might want to reserve this one for ‘dry’ use only with a shedload of lube.
Introducing: The SONA Cruise by LELO (affiliate link)
Price: £119.00 (20% off at Selfridges at the moment - use code SELFCCE)
The details: Silicone made, the SONA Cruise is rechargeable and 100% waterproof. It is 11.5 x 5 x 5.6cm, featuring 8 settings which can be controlled by three buttons (a plus, a minus and a change mode). As opposed to traditional vibrators, the SONA Cruise uses sonic waves and pulses rather than physical vibrations to get you off. Basically this means a little suction cup is placed over your clit and pulsations are sent right down the length of it (your clit is super long, if you didn’t know), creating deeper, stronger orgasms.
Best suited to: Do you find it difficult to orgasm sometimes? Do you get close, and then something in your head - a distraction, a random thought, a worry that you’re not going to cum - stops you from getting there? The LELO SONA Cruise is for you. This vibrator has changed my LIFE. This is the only toy which has ever made me orgasm during penetration and the only toy which has made me literally cry and laugh in wild hysteria from having had the most powerful, all-consuming orgasm ever. It’s also the only toy which has allowed me to have multiple orgasms within the space of 5 minutes. Be warned: it is INTENSE. If you’re sensitive or not used to using vibrators, you probably won’t like it (I’ve seen a few reviews describing it as an inept lover violently rubbing your clit, which I vehemently disagree with but respect with a grudge), but if you find the conventional bullets etc. just aren't working for you, you have to try this.
Cons: LELO claims the SONA Cruise is ‘whisper quiet’. It absolutely is not. In fact, it’s pretty loud; if I was to use this toy in the bathroom, Keiran would be able to hear it from the bedroom. It’s also expensive and I imagine, slightly too intense for some people. It definitely took me some getting used to (although it was definitely worth it). It’s a bit clunky to use during intercourse with a partner because it shifts easily when you’re shagging, but even so it’s worth giving it a go for double the pleasure. Oh, and it also makes a gross wet raspberry noise when pressed against wet skin/lube which usually breaks the aura of sensual.
The Hard-Hitter's Protégé
Introducing: The Satisfyer Pro 2
The details: The Satisfyer Pro 2 uses pressure waves and pulsations as opposed to physical vibrations, with the body-friendly silicone head surrounding the clit to achieve orgasm. It contains a rechargeable battery with magnetic USB charging cable (v. cool) incuded. It is 6.5" inches long x 1.8" wide and boasts 11 settings.
Best suited to: Maybe you've got a couple of bullets in your top drawer but the thought of a thrusting shaft still gives you the willies - this is the perfect option. It's something a little different with the pressure pulsations as opposed to a physical vibration, and with a range of different settings and strengths, you'll be able to customise your orgasm accordingly. The great thing about these pressure-oriented toys is that there isn't any friction rubbing against the skin, so you'll find that after you climax, you're not quite as sensitive. What does that mean? Well my friends, that means - thanks to the fact that women have no refractory period whereby they need to restock their sexual strength - you can go again. And again. And hey, why not? Go again.
Cons: I'll be frank - it isn't as well-made or powerful as the SONA. And understandably so, given it's a fraction of the price. Personally I don't really like the design of it either; it looks like a penguin which Satisfyer have cashed in on producing a Satisfyer Pro Penguin, but honestly? That creeps me out a bit. It feels like a kid's toy and I don't want to be putting that near my jade palace.
The Spare Karoake Microphone
Price: I bought mine for £70 from Ann Summers but it seems to currently be £48 on Amazon! (Bastards)
The details: Prepare yourselves: the BodyWand boasts 64 vibration functions - 8 pulsations with 8 speeds. This one needs to be plugged in and comes with a 3 metre long cord and UK plug.
Best suited to: Listen, I don't know what to tell you. Yes this is great for orgasms, and yes it does look like a spare karoake microphone, but do you know what I like it best for? An actual massage. Get someone to run this bad boy down your back for 10 mins and you are ready for a nap or a fap, depending on whether massage is your 'thing'. Personally I think this is best suited to someone who is looking to enhance their wider sexual experience as opposed to the focussing on orgasm alone. You can use this on a partner or have a partner use it on you, releasing tension all over the body whilst also creating a more sensual, relaxed environment to be intimate in. You can use it to tease, to tickle, to enhance other feelings - the options are plentiful. Great for foreplay and especially great for couples.
Cons: It's big, it's loud, and it needs to be plugged in. The cord is 3 metres long so really that should never be an issue, but it's still something to bear in mind, especially if you take vibrators with you when you travel. It's quite big as well so using it during sex is a little awkward, hence why I'd say this is more suited to foreplay rather than helping you reach the finish line at the end of the game. A great multi-purpose tool but not the best for total beginners.