AMA: Sex Droughts & Break-Ups

Welcome back to AMA, the aptly on-again off-again relationship series within which I answer three of your questions from Instagram. They’re usually about sex or not loving someone any more, so if that sounds like your kind of bag, stick around.

How can I tackle sex anxiety? My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in months because of it.

Okay, this is a long one, so buckle in.

Let me tell you a story. Earlier this year my vulva was doing all sorts of things I didn’t want it to do; there were weird things going in it (hello first smear), weird things coming out of it, weird things upsetting it - it was a whole thing. Eventually all I could associate my gal with was things that hurt me, either physically or emotionally. I’d disconnected from her and I no longer saw her as the jade palace that she is, which in turn made me not want to have sex. I didn’t feel sexual. I felt vulnerable and a bit gross, so the last thing I wanted was someone close enough to start licking me. Eventually I had to admit to myself that there were deeper issues going on which needed addressing, and that I had to take some steps to retrain my brain otherwise this sex anxiety was going to spiral out of my control. It happens easily, doesn’t it? You start to worry about sex and then the worrying about sex becomes a thing, and suddenly it feels artificial and unnatural and like you’re forcing it when it should all be simple. But unless you do something to push yourself in the right direction, the ‘sex thing’ will snowball even further and eventually it feels like too big of a beast to tackle.

I don’t know the reasons for why you’re feeling anxious about sex, whether it’s a shared thing between you both or just a feeling reserved for yourself. However I do have a few suggestions which might be helpful. First of all, try some sexual contact which isn’t about the end goal. It’s just touching for the sake of touching, or rather touching for the sake of intimacy. As soon as this anxiety starts to materialise it becomes like a buffer between you, so it’s important to break down that barrier and let yourself be vulnerable - to let yourself relax in a sexual situation. Taking away the pressure of having an orgasm lets you settle into it a little more without stressing that you’re taking too long to cum. There is no purpose to it: you just enjoy being touched for as long or as little as you like.

This also reminds you to savour the process - to recenter yourself in the sensation of being touched and to be present in the moment without consciously or subconsciously thinking about where it will go. It sounds odd, but I prefer to let the above scenario unfold whilst we’re watching TV. That way, the pressure is off. My partner isn’t going to get bored or think that I’m taking too long (my two main concerns), the attention isn’t focused solely on me, and I don’t have anybody watching me. I can just relax, enjoy, reconnect. If I orgasm, that’s a plus. We don’t need to climax in order for the interaction to be enjoyable, but we do need to actually enjoy and be active in the interaction, rather than having penetration happen to us for the benefit of our partner. Again, this sounds like an odd thing to say, but how many of us do let sex happen to us, knowing we aren’t fully present and knowing that it’s not the best it could be (and that we don’t offer input to change that?)?

Secondly, try and assess what it is that is making you anxious about sex. It may be that you’ve had traumatic experiences in the past, that you’re self-conscious about the way you look or that you’ve just gone so long without it that it has now become a “thing”. Whatever it is, you have to be responsible for taking positive action to improve it. ‘Take responsibility’ always sounds critical but this isn’t about assigning blame, it’s just about taking stock of a situation which clearly isn’t working and being pragmatic about how you can get it going again. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s learning more about your own sexuality, maybe it’s creating more scenarios where sex could happen naturally rather than being planned or expected (something we forget when we’ve been in a couple for a long time, sitting next to each other on our phones for 3 hours in the evening); whatever it may be, there are little steps you both can take to feel more comfortable.