Relationships – weird huh? One minute you’re clinking champagne over a swanky af dinner and the next you’re checking up each other’s noses to see if there are any loose boogers. Being in a relationship with someone – and especially being in love with someone – beckons a new realm of closeness that even siblings don’t venture into (and siblings do not hold any information back, no matter how gross); you spend so much time with each other that what once would have seemed bizarre (sharing a toothbrush, for example), slowly becomes a gesture of romance – “yes I am willing to share spit and tooth grubbiness with you, because I love you.”
Sometimes when I step out of the shower Keiran will dry me off with a towel, because I’m tired and I like to be looked after and he’s just a bloody sterling chap. It was during one of my dry-down sessions that I started to think about all of the other weird – but totally relatable – things that go on when you’re in a relationship, and so hey presto, here’s a little list! I know you’ll find yourself in here somewhere, and if you don’t, pop me a comment down below to confess your own little relationship oddities. Happy weirdness guys and gals!
You know when you’ve had one of those days that just seems to have gone on forever, and you’re tired and your bones ache and even pulling off your jeans and pulling on your PJs is just a step too far? Those are the days that you need some assistance, and your other half dutifully proceeds to yank off your skinnies and pull up your comfies, all while you’re laying spreadeagled on the bed and deliberating what to order from Dominoes.
“What would you do if I died right now? Would you cry?” “Of course I would cry.” “Could you ever possibly love again?” “Urmm….” How many times have you had this conversation with your partner? It doesn’t matter how absolutely morbid the subject is or how many times you’ve had the exact same discussion before, the “what would you do if I died” conversation is central to any Sunday lazing session, and is also a challenge to establish who would be the most devastated, and who, in turn, must be the most caring partner. BATTLE TO THE DEATH!
The core of any loving relationship is respecting designated sleeping zones. You choose your side on the first ever sleepover, and you must stick to it from thereon in. If one partner dares edge over without first consulting the other sleeper, then, well, all hell breaks loose. Nothing is more confusing than walking into the bedroom to find your bf or gf has set up shop on your side of the bed, and if you do hazard to take this chance, you better be prepared for a pretty heated Q&A as to why you’ve betrayed the sacred relationship rules. (FYI – I’m a terrible person and I recently made K swap sides with me. I’m a hypocrite BUT IT’S A VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT).
How often do you accidentally called your other half by their pet name in an entirely inappropriate situation? There’s nothing quite like shouting, ‘Pup Pup, do you want Cookie Dough or Caramel Chew Chew?’ across Tesco without giving a second thought to how bizarre this sounds to everybody around you. Something happens when you fall in love that renders you unable to address your other half by their proper name – no, they will be known by their pet name, and their pet name only. Now where is my little Squish?…
If you’re in a relationship, I bet you’ve looked in your other half’s ears. Why? Maybe they had a lot of ear wax, maybe there was a big spot in there that needed popping or maybe they’re going deaf and you’re looking for intruders – whatever the reason, I bet you’ve had a snoop. No doubt you’ve also sniffed their feet, inspected their pits and considered going for a dip in the belly button (the worst part of any human body, may I add); when it comes to personal space in a relationship, well, there isn’t any. What’s mine is yours, and that means everything.
Once you get used to sleeping together, sleeping alone quickly seems much, much less appealing. What was once licence to starfish across the mattress suddenly becomes facing an expanse of they-aren’t-there-ness, and you miss waking up when they wake up to turn over in unison and start a new sequence of spooning. Sometimes distance can’t be avoided, and when such occasions arise, technology comes in to save the day. Whack FaceTime on before you get into bed, fall asleep, and enjoy the continuity of still waking up to their snoring, even if you’re thousands of miles away. Pure mushy bliss.
“No, we aren’t going to name our son after an anime character” – a line I find myself saying far too often for a woman who is nowhere near close to having kids and who panics when a child crosses her path. I know I’m not the only one who has their baby names on lock, and these far-off, unfertilised eggs can often cause quite a commotion when it comes down to discussing names in a relationship. No, you don’t want to have kids any time soon and yes, you’ll probably change your mind in the future, but you’re willing to defend the titles of that boy and girl duo to the bitter end.