Navigating Your 20s As An Introvert

I read somewhere once that the indicator of whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert can be measured by how you restore your personal energy. Do you surround yourself with other people to draw power from your relationships and the experiences you share, or do you retreat to a quiet room somewhere, blanketed by peace?

I’ve always fallen into the latter category - being social feeds the part of me which is hungry for the love of others, but it also - eventually - makes me feel anxious.

It was only a month ago that I sat in the car on a way to an event with my friends, palms literally dripping with nervous sweat as my heart drummed in my ears. Most of the time I’m not even entirely sure what I’m nervous about, I just know that I am, and this precise blend of confusion and fear stirs itself up from within like a force of energy with nowhere to go: a magnet between magnets bouncing endlessly back and forth.

The irony of working in social media and being relatively anti-social doesn’t escape me. I sometimes wonder whether it’s a symptom of the kind of job I do - a social exhaustion having tapped, typed and tweeted all day. Communication as at the core of both of my jobs and after a week of feigning kindest regards, I think my brain goes into revolt. No more pretending and no more fakery - genuine recharging only, which for me - especially when I’m feeling particularly fraught or pulled in different directions - always comes from being alone.

Your 20s aren’t always an ideal passage for solo space, however. Birthday parties, weddings, family dinners, weekend trips, work drinks which are “optional” but are obviously not optional because you’ll look like a prick if you’re the only one who doesn’t go; every week is punctuated by this social event or that, and whether it’s as simple as one of your oldest friends wanting to catch up or a big event that you know you shouldn’t miss, prioritising time alone over important turns in the social sphere can be tough. And decidedly guilt-inducing.

I don’t experience work-burnout as much as I experience social-burnout. You’ll have heard this phrase parroted more times than your guardian has asked you where you’re going and what time you’ll be back, but in an age where we’re more connected than ever, the moments we’d have before secluded for ourselves can now be dipped into at the send of a text.

Anybody can reach into our lives without invitation, their names lighting up our home screens in a quick scramble to the top of the notifications list. And being in the digital era we’re in, when we decide to go off-grid for a hot second, well, we’re accustomed to having to explain it, as if it’s unusual or abrasive to be unreachable. 'Just checking you got this email because I sent it four hours ago and I’ve not had a response?? Let me know! I’ll give you a call at the end of the day to follow up because if you’re ignoring me I might as well piss you off anyway. Lol, kiss kiss! x'

So how do you navigate your exploratory years when the introvert in you is screaming for seclusion? How do you balance your need for peace with your need to embrace your friends? How do you stop yourself going too far and becoming a hermit, simply because it’s easier to say not to plans rather than forcing yourself to go out?

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Firstly, accept who you are (#soinsightful). Accept that you draw your power from being alone, and even more so, in silence. When I’m feeling particularly frazzled, I find that I need to move through my house in total peace to feel calm. No Bougie Queen Chill, no EastEnders, no distant chattering of my next-door neighbours - just total quiet. I’ll have the faint flicker of a likely overpriced candle embuing the house with warmth, soft fluffers on my feet to muffle the sound of my steady footsteps and deep, deep breaths to carry me in quiet. It’s the ultimate in restorative bliss, aided always by a sanguine soak in the bath.

Secondly, regard your self-care with more importance than an afterthought. Uncurling a tight soul is as important for your mental health, which is in turn important for ensuring you’re in the best shape possible to live a happy, fulfilled life. Rather than striding right into a burnout with a taught smile and rolling tear, take responsibility for your own wellbeing. “Speak your truth”, as the internet tells us to do so often. Be upfront and consciously set aside time to be alone rather than slotting it in when you have nothing else on. And don’t be afraid of your friends; sure, we all used to hang out non-stop when we were teenagers with no responsibilities and no burdens, but now we’re changing and so are the environments around us, so there’s no shame in being the wallflower of the group. Just as you respect your pals who can’t spend a Friday night alone for FOMO, they’ll respect your need to restore and rest. That’s why they’re your friends.

Purposefully spending time alone is different to just existing alone in a room, though, so make actual plans and enjoy the glow of totally free time. You should be treating yourself to some enriching self-care, like furiously wanking yourself to sleep or full-throttle pruning in the bath. You SHOULD NOT BE WORKING. And yes I am shouting at you, because I know how easy it is to slip into ‘well I feel pretty relaxed so I’ll just reply to one or two emails while I have the chance’. NO. This is not what this time is for, and if you do that again you’re going straight in the chokey. You have been warned.

With that being said, don’t become a hermit. The power of seclusion is in the novelty of it’s separation, so if you’re repeating this scheme day-on-day then the benefits will be diluted. It won’t feel special, and you’ll feel less renewed. Plus you might find your friends stop calling because - hello - you’ve never replied, so measure these precious moments out in rations and let the exclusivity retain its value. Your friends will understand you declining plans every now and then, but if you’re forever cancelling to spend time alone, they’re going to think you’re not interested and shack up with a honey who is more eager to contribute to the relationship. All good things in moderations, my gals.

For those moments when you are requiring some quiet time, however, sending check-up texts can be really useful. A simple ‘hey, I haven’t seen you for a while so I wanted to see how you were. Missing you and looking forward to smooching soon’ can go a long way. Sometimes all we need is the recognition from our friends that they care and they’re there, rather than hours of literal face time and the long-arse commute back to your house. Let the people you love know that you love them. It only takes a second to send a text but how much it means can reach far beyond that. You don’t need to update your entire circle with a commentary of what you’re not doing and when - that would defeat the purpose of being quietly alone - but if it’s your best mates birthday or a colleague is heading to a funeral, send the text.

And another thing: when you are in social situations and you’re feeling the pressure set in, stop assuming that the natural silences in conversations are your responsibility to fill. I notice in myself that even before someone has stopped talking, already my muscles are tightening and my posture is stiffening and my mind is ablaze as I try and figure out what to say next. I must stave off the silence at all costs! I must not let the awkwardness settle in! I must hum or nod or mmm or literally ANYTHING to not feel uncomfortable!

Let it go. Relax your shoulders. Stretch your neck. Take your tongue off the roof of your mouth. Stop wringing your hands or picking your fingernails. Concentrate on what the other person is saying rather than zoning out to pre-empt a response to a statement or question you haven’t even heard yet. You’re a better conversationalist than you think and hey, if there is a lull and it feels a little awkward, does it matter? Within a heartbeat you’re going to have moved on anyway, and there’s nothing wrong with being the listener. SLOW DOWN.

Happy hibernating x