One thing I don’t do often enough is revisit old articles. I write them, share them, and then largely forget about them. Usually because I’m already thinking about the next before the first has left my fingertips; as soon as I’ve birthed one bulky baby, I’m all at once swollen again with another. This means that I generally don’t get to update or develop things which I’ve shared previously; in some cases this is great because having a six year record of your inner most thoughts and feelings isn’t always complimentary, but in other cases it feels a bit like playing the start of a song and then pausing it before the good bit. Like an Eastenders episode without the cliffhanger, or a McDonald’s takeaway bag with no leftover chips at the bottom.
In that vein, I thought I’d return to the personal and career goals I was writing into existence last July. Have I started to move in the right direction? Have I done anything of any merit whatsoever? Have I rewritten the list because my previous intentions were unrealistic? The latter sounds more likely, but let’s take a look back and see. Don't forget to share yours too (a failure shared is a failure halved!).
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What I said: Doing something with music, writing more posts, and ‘the book’.
What I think now: The book thing we can ignore, because I did say ‘one day’ and that one day is a million miles off yet. The book is still too scary to think about for the moment. Writing more articles I can say I’ve stuck to though, and I’m even having a new website built next month which will hopefully provide a more accessible and useful platform for sharing my writing. And the music? Yeesh, this makes me deep sigh. I was discussing the possibility of a podcast late last year, but the idea has since dulled in its appeal. The way I see it, there are a number of reasons why: 1) I know it’s a petty thing to say, but now everybody on planet earth has started their own podcast, I’m less inclined to want to. I don’t listen to any myself (other than No Such Thing As A Fish), so I’m almost definitely convinced that after three episodes the novelty will have worn off; 2) I really don’t know how to shape the topics in a meaningful way. I want to talk about sex, and I’d love to talk about music, but I feel like I need a purpose for each of the episodes and for copyright reasons, I can’t actually ~ play ~ any music for others to hear. I keep meaning to spend a solid chunk of time planning it all out and assessing whether it would be genuinely entertaining or not, but there’s always something else more urgent occupying the diary; 3) I don’t trust myself to keep it up. I’m a flake, and I don’t want to put one season out there if I doubt that I’ll follow it up with another.
What’s next: With that being said, I do have some other career plans in place. I quit my freelance role at the end of January to focus 100% on my own endeavours, a decision which was both terrifying and liberating. I’m collaborating with a brand on something which will hopefully be released this September (*Rolf Harris voice: can you guess what it is yet?*), and, as I mentioned, I’m having a new website designed and built for next month.
On top of that, I’ve FINALLY started to write some fiction. When the new website is live, I’ll have a section set aside for my very short stories and hopefully, eventually, some more long-form content. I see my career going in the writing direction, so I’m biting the bullet and committing to regularly sharing that which is naturally outside of my comfort zone. And the sharing bit is important, because I have a thousand half-chewed stories sitting pretty in my notes section, but I’m too scared to publish because that kind of creative feels a little too close to home for me. That’s my vulnerability, unprotected by ego or humour. It feels like high school 2.0, being forced to read my essay out loud whilst simultaneously melting into my government-standard chair. I don’t want to be 14 forever though, so I have to take a leap at some point.
What I said: Improving my relationship with money and committing to personal development.
What I think now: So I haven’t cleared my credit card bill completely (will I ever?), but I have continued to build up my help-to-buy ISA and set aside more money than I need for savings. Please don’t confuse this with having a healthy amount of savings - that is not the case. But I do have some, and the amount is going up as opposed to down, so that’s something. Must work on the credit card situation, though. On the personal development side of things, I feel pretty confident that I’m fulfilling the actions I set out for myself; I’ve started going to yoga once a week, I’ve stuck to bullet journalling which is helping me become more diligent and organised, and I’m enjoying as much wine and as many late nights as I please. I’m also seeing more of my friends despite the whole ‘friend schedule’ thing, which means I not only feel more connected, but I also get out of the house more in the evenings too.
What’s next: Must must must keep it up. I’ve built up the momentum, so now it’s a case of keeping the wheels turning. And I must be strict, because once I slip down and decide to cancel one dentist’s appointment or one day of meetings, then I’ll repeat this without immediate consequence. There’s real me, and then there’s other me making sure that I’m not real me too often. Real me and successful me are not the same person.
On the hobby side of my personal goals, there are a few things I’m keen to try. I attended a life drawing event a little while ago and I really enjoyed how calming and creative the process was, so I want to have another crack (excuse the pun) at that. Plus I’m obsessed with nudity and the human form, as we all know, so there’s something very instinctual and natural about it. Starting to draw in general is on my list, actually, although I’ll need a lifetime’s more practice before I start selling my sketches on Etsy. Other than that, I want to cut my hair short again, grow even more veg than last year, and keep reading a couple of books a month. I would say that I’d like to start exercising regularly, but I’m trying to be realistic. I’d also like to have a penetrative orgasm but maybe that’s TMI in this instance...? Let me know.